{"id":39341,"date":"2023-11-23T00:01:00","date_gmt":"2023-11-23T00:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/?p=39341"},"modified":"2023-11-18T12:53:46","modified_gmt":"2023-11-18T12:53:46","slug":"an-entirely-fictitious-account-of-dr-who","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/2023\/11\/23\/an-entirely-fictitious-account-of-dr-who\/","title":{"rendered":"An Entirely Fictitious Account of DR WHO"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Despite being voted the longest-running science fiction television series of all time, very little has been written about the early years of Dr WHO. But, at last, we have uncovered the secret history of TV\u2019s venerable Timelord traveller in time\/space. Let\u2019s time-skip back more than 47 years to the nineteen hundred and sixties…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It begins with a feisty Canadian firebrand called Syd Numan who angrily arrived at the BBC in 1963 demanding that they scrap all their prestigious costume dramas and instead produce a \u201cTV series for oddball infants who like science, history, and geometry. Or you will all get a jolly good smacked bottom!\u201d Because he was all red in the face and in an uncontrollable rage, the frightened BBC management gave him \u00a3426, seven shillings and sixpence to produce 87 episodes a year until at least 1993.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Within minutes, Numan became bored of the idea exclaiming, \u201cWhat a load of crackpot!\u201d So he blackmailed two confused older gents, Don Winston and CBE \u2018Bunny Boy\u2019 Webster (CBE) into taking over. Both were highly experienced old-school BBC producers and, as such, had no idea what they were doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winston was keen for the series to be about a mysterious \u2018twerp\u2019 stranded on planet Earth because his time machine was irreparable. Episodes would centre around his bungling efforts to fix the ship and, frustratingly, never exploring the whole of space and time; while \u2018Bunny Boy\u2019 wanted the stories to feature a team of adventurers, \u2018the teenies\u2019, whose time machine had shrunk them so small they were invisible and inaudible. \u201cIt would be very cheap because you wouldn\u2019t need any actors,\u201d \u2018Bunny Boy\u2019 insisted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Numan declared both these ideas as, \u201cTotal dishwater!\u201d So, with only half an hour left before production started, they went back to the drawing board. Out of their frantic, manic drawings, as they sobbed hot tears, a TV legend was born… Dr WHO!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The lead character would be known as \u2018Doctor ?\u2019 because he had forgotten to write down his second name, and \u2013 now more than 7 million years old \u2013 he is too embarrassed to go back and ask*. He is described as a \u2018randy old codger\u2019 who lives in a junk shop where his ship \u2018Tar-Dis\u2019 has crash-landed, with his great-granddaughter, Sue-Ann.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tar-Dis is the most powerful space-time\/time-space ship in the known solar system but it looks really crap because the BBC didn\u2019t have the budget for anything better. The ship is pretending to be a London Police BOX, which is why \u2018Dr WHO\u2019 is often mistaken for a policeman [An AI wrote that sentence].<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Sue-Ann escapes \u2018Doctor\u2019s\u2019 clutches and, despite being more than 108, seeks refuge at the local primary school, pretending to be six years old. Her history teacher, Iain Chestnut, is suspicious because \u2013 unlike the rest of the class \u2013 Sue-Ann refuses to take a nap in the afternoons and instead dances to beat music in her fab swinging sixties gear while talking about the day she stormed the Bastille.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chestnut tells his colleagues (and secret lovers) science teacher, Babs Right, and geometry teacher, Babs Left, about his suspicions. Babs Right also airs her concerns: Sue-Ann had taken over the class and taught them how to make a nuclear fusion reactor. Babs Left had measured Sue-Ann and found her to be transcendentally dimensional. They decide to confront her mysterious great-grandpa in his junk pile…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When he found out much later, Numan described this new idea as, \u2018Unforgivable tripe!\u2019, then beat his fists against the studio wall until he drew blood. But there was no time to come up with anything better. The red light was on and filming had started…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Winston and \u2018Bunny Boy\u2019 had gone into hiding, leaving the show to be produced by the unknown fresh-faced, inexperienced, wet-behind-the-ears, Varsity Lamppost. She quickly dried the back of her ears and proved herself to be a billion times more competent than those two jokers. Despite being left with an opening episode written on 26 stitched-together fag packets, and eight further episodes set in the prehistoric era where the only word in the script was \u2018grunt\u2019, Varsity set to work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She cast veteran screen idol, Billy Harnell as Doctor One, after her first choice, Dicky \u2018Sir Pastry\u2019 Lewes Misheard demanded that \u2018Doctor\u2019 should be \u201cmade out of pastry\u201d (The BBC effects department vetoed this idea after an unsuccessful screen test: \u201cPastry got everywhere.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Harnell was keen to take on the role and perform in front of infants, having only played serial killers and bungling burglars up to this point. To soften his gruesome image, he insisted that his dialogue should include, \u201cplenty of confusing nonsense and stupid-sounding errors\u201d \u2013 these became known as \u2018Billy fluffs\u2019 or \u2018Flufbills\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The rest of the cast was made up of The Adventures of Sir Reginald Styles<\/em> actor William Russell Enoch Russell (credited as Will E Russell), Jacqueline and Jilleline Hills (joint winners of Miss Cardigan 1958) as Babs Right and Babs Left, and Caro-Line Form as Sue-Ann. Form was 47 and had the tricky task of playing a 108-year-old pretending to be a 6-year-old acting like a teenager.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Performing in Dr WHO was a terrifying experience for these actors because, for the first five years, the show was recorded and broadcast live on stage in front of an unresponsive audience. And the very first episode proved to be a disaster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lamppost had appointed an untested, experimental new director, Warrick Hassan, who insisted that the sound of \u2018banging doors\u2019 featured loudly throughout the episode. Numan was enraged and ripped the curtain down at the end of the recording, taking to the stage to rant about the script, production, performances, and the state of his dressing room: \u201cNo bidet! You animals!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He was furious that some of the dialogue had spoilt the mystery of the programme. At one point, Sue-Ann says, \u201cWe are aliens from the 49th century, part of a new science-fiction series that aims to bridge the gap on Saturday evenings between Grandstand<\/em> and the pop music show Juke Box Jury<\/em>. And also appeal to both audiences.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With Numan sedated and incarcerated, Lamppost and Hussan set to work on a revised episode one. It started with a caption declaring: \u2018PLEASE IGNORE LAST WEEK\u2019S EPISODE\u2019. This time, it was a success, with the audience cheering and applauding at the end. But little did they know that outside the studio, world events would scupper their second opening night…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While the episode was being broadcast, the President of the USA, John F Kenny was assassinated with a bullet. Whilst sad for America, it was a disaster for Dr WHO. With many viewers listening to the news instead of the BBC\u2019s new science fiction series, the production team decided to remount the show the next week. It was another huge success, with many of the crowd calling for an encore: Harnell obliged by performing his \u2018bungling burglar\u2019 routine. But disaster struck again when, during the broadcast, the US President was shot for the second time in as many weeks. The production team reluctantly decided that, this time, they had to move on…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The remounted episode was followed by the \u2018erotic caveman\u2019 story, Tribe of Mummies<\/em>, which proved to be a huge turn-off for viewers. The cast grunted their way in prehistoric times for the next eight weeks until Doctor hit the tribe leader on the head with a rock, and they made their escape, to the delight of both the Tar-Dis crew and the audience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it was the next story, The Deadly Planet AKA These Mutants AKA The Luxor Masters<\/em> (the programme\u2019s longest-ever episode title), that secured the show\u2019s future. In desperation, Lamppost asked a failed comedian, Terrance National Express (TNE), to write the story. Strapped for cash, after being commissioned, TNE wrote seven scripts in the corridor outside Lampost\u2019s office in about an hour, the last being just three words, \u201c…and so on\u201d. Then he stole the scriptwriting fee and flew away like a thief. Little did he know that he had accidentally written a masterstroke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The Deadly Planet AKA These Mutants AKA The Luxor Masters<\/em> pitted Doctor and his crew against a suitably deadly foe: Darleks. These robot creatures from the planet Scarred resembled upturned egg cups and spoke with an evil rasping cackle. While both infants and the fully-grown loved these fascist, murdering psychopaths, there was one man who took exasperated umbrage: the show’s own birth father, Syd Numan. He had been revived in order to attend the recording. But when Darleks appeared, he once again invaded the stage. In a fit of rage, Numan cried, \u201cNo BEMs! I said no BEMs,\u201d before being dragged back into the wings by Jacqueline and Jilleline Hills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The audience was shocked to witness this agonised outburst. Lamppost took to the stage and calmed the crowd, who assumed Numan had meant \u2018No Black and Ethnic Minorities\u2019. She explained that in Dr WHO\u2019s DNA document, Numan had insisted the show should not include \u2018Boggle Eyed Monstrosities\u2019, and that\u2019s what he thought the Darleks were. At that point, Numan freed himself from his shackles and burst back on stage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The crowd started chanting: \u201cWe love Darleks, more psychopathic BEMs! More monstrous killers!\u201d Numan was taken aback and his life-long, uncontrollable rage briefly subsided. He embraced Lamppost and declared, \u201cI was so, so wrong! Bring on the BEMs!\u201d In tears, he called the cast back to finish the episode.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This time, no president was assassinated and 53,508,513 viewers tuned in \u2013 the entire population of the UK, except for Dicky \u2018Sir Pastry\u2019 Lewes Misheard who couldn\u2019t watch because he was still encased in pastry. Following this huge, runaway success, the BBC decided to destroy all copies of all the episodes forever.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is the totally unbelievable story of the longest-running science fiction series in the world \u2013 as voted by you \u2013 which has now been on our screens for more than 47 years. The rest, as they say, is Dr WHO\u2019s history, science and geometry…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

* There is a clue to Doctor\u2019s forgotten surname in the very first episode, The Unhappy Childhood<\/em>: on the junk shop gates a sign declares: \u2018I\u2019m Foreman\u2019.<\/p>\n

<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We uncover the frightening completely-true-honest-guv story of radio’s favorite travel-based documentary.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":40031,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_publicize_message":"An Entirely Fictitious Account of DR WHO","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[1718,73],"tags":[4871,159,2749,160,173,3469,128,167,175,177,1665,463,287,1344,123,171],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/An-Unearthly-Child-Susan-Ian-1st-First-TARDIS-flipped.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":36395,"url":"https:\/\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/2022\/09\/25\/an-entirely-fictitious-account-of-doctor-who-the-ghost-monument\/","url_meta":{"origin":39341,"position":0},"title":"An Entirely Fictitious Account of Doctor Who: The Ghost Monument","author":"Philip Bates","date":"25 September 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"\u201cMy main starting point for The Ghost Monument was finding out that humans can survive unaided in deep space for up to 12 minutes,\u201d Chris Chibnail and I, then-showrunner of Doctor Who revealed to Psychics Monthly, the magazine for physicists who can\u2019t spell. \u201cI think I learned that in a\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "An Entirely Fictitious Account of Doctor Who"","block_context":{"text":"An Entirely Fictitious Account of Doctor Who","link":"https:\/\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/category\/fiction\/an-entirely-fictitious-account-of-doctor-who\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/13th-Thirteenth-Jodie-Whittaker-The-Ghost-Monument-TARDIS.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/13th-Thirteenth-Jodie-Whittaker-The-Ghost-Monument-TARDIS.jpg?resize=350%2C200&ssl=1 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/13th-Thirteenth-Jodie-Whittaker-The-Ghost-Monument-TARDIS.jpg?resize=700%2C400&ssl=1 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/13th-Thirteenth-Jodie-Whittaker-The-Ghost-Monument-TARDIS.jpg?resize=1050%2C600&ssl=1 3x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/07\/13th-Thirteenth-Jodie-Whittaker-The-Ghost-Monument-TARDIS.jpg?resize=1400%2C800&ssl=1 4x"},"classes":[]},{"id":8169,"url":"https:\/\/thedoctorwhocompanion.com\/2017\/02\/07\/historicals-a-thing-of-the-past\/","url_meta":{"origin":39341,"position":1},"title":"Historicals: A Thing of the Past?","author":"Philip Bates","date":"7 February 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Since Doctor Who returned in 2005, we've taken numerous voyages into the past, met iconic figures, and, of course, fought many monsters. 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